Actually Sexy

Thank god it’s a new month.  June left me curled in a fetus position under a banana leaf from the disasters of my personal, romantic, and work life.  Plus, the extraneous annoyances of a stolen phone (twice in six months), popped bike tire, a severely burnt dinner, and detergent stains on an entire load of clothes.

BUT, there was a mini victory worth mentioning: I completed my annual 21-day detox that eliminates gluten, wheat, sugar, caffeine, all processed foods, dairy…and…brother….ALCOHOL!! If not for my stubborn commitment to the cleanse, I swear I would have drowned my self-pity in a bottle of Patron.

And as a result of the detox, I surely lost a few pounds, leaving me to feel a tad more elated.  At least that!

However, not in vain!! On the very last day of my detox this Friday, I was laying on the beach lathered in tanning oil, ruby red lipstick, and my sun bleached curls (Tel Aviv competition is stiff in the summer, so heavy make up and accessories are not withstanding in the sandy scorching heat). A friend of a friend spotted me lounging and came over to say hi.   After an exchange of the hey’s, what’s ups, long time no sees, he blurted out a compliment that was as backward as the entire month of June:

“You know Beata, you’re really not skinny, but you’re actually very sexy.”

I responded with, “Yeah!, I actually feel really sexy (as I’m yelling WTF, YOU F’N JERK in my head)!!!”

But in his defense, the tone was so sincere and earnest that  I actually believe he was paying me a compliment, or perhaps even more.  It’s just that he suffers from a debilitating syndrome exclusively found in the Y chromosome called Male Filter Deficiency (MFD).  Centuries of treatment by mothers and girlfriends have failed, and this disorder is indefinitely incurable.  Lesbianism, at the moment, is the only form of prevention from contact.

Another way women can protect themselves from this toxic disorder is to pay a heavy dose compliment to herself, preferably several times a day.  Supplement this remedy with plenty of sun, a skanky bathing suit, and a strong umbrella cocktail.  And remember, we must show mercy and tolerance to the male species, many of whom are mere victims of their own genetic limitations.

They’re just born that way… 😉

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