Back to the Present

There’s so much I wanted to share with you about my recent life. I really did! Like about my second semester of pregnancy when I felt like a raging goddess. How, for the first time in my adult life, I experienced what it is like to love my body without any stipulations.

Oh, and about my birth!…my magical, animalistic, shocking, natural birth. I thought I’d offer snapshots for your imagination how my doula cradled the agony soaring through my body and soul, how Yonatan’s eyes were a source of calmness, and how my midwife quietly and compassionately delivered Ari. My Ari! There are already volumes of stories that can be inscribed about this incredible human I humbly call my son.

I thought I’d draft a Buzzfeed-like list on how to ace maternity leave, cuz honestly, I slayed it! Even with tears of cluelessness, breastfeeding crises, and indefinite interrupted sleep, I strutted my proud mama ass down the Tel Aviv boulevards everyday, with babe and pup in tow. I built on my village of family, friends, and neighbors, who are, in every sense, raising us. This irreplaceable era tugged at my deepest sense of gratitude, confidence, and blessedness.

And tonight, this era comes to an end:

We’ve already returned from California where my loved ones met Ari. Ari began day care. And tomorrow, I go back to work.

Where life is beautiful, and death is peaceful, transitions are an emotional chaos. They are the limbo between past and future, and so often, grief and anxiety, especially tonight. So I stop myself from contemplating the challenges of a working mom. I’ll find out soon enough. And, why bitterly claw at the nostalgia of the last six months when I have the sweetest taste in my mouth?

I recently read about children’s “inner time zones.” Well, they don’t have any! They only have the present, which is why they can experience inexplicable bliss one moment, hysteria the next, back to bliss, never weighed down, and always pure. Tonight, a new era begins, and I’m relying on this profound wisdom by which Ari intuitively lives by. In doing so, tonight, I’m able to recognize once again how truly capable, blessed and grateful I am. So here’s to the now – tonight and every night.