Hebrew Gold Digger

Hebrew has recently risen as a top priority.  But with one stipulation: I don’t spend any money on the study of Hebrew, or any other studies for that matter.  Enough! I’ve already spent thousands of dollars between Hebrew, GRE’s, and GMAT’s, and I haven’t actually produced the tachlas (bottom line).  In fact, I am not even renewing my gym membership for a whopping 350 NIS ($110) per month because, tachlas,  I can run along our amazing Mediterranean.  And since I will always care more about my physique than Hebrew, if the gym goes, so do the expenses around my revived language ambitions.

This is precisely why I’ve adopted a new strategy called “Hebrew Dating.”  Here’s how it works: a guy strikes up a conversation (in Hebrew obviously) at the laundry mat, shuk, or most recently, the beach. I listen carefully to not miss the pick-up line, which will be my cue to giggle or something.  I respond in my best Hebrew, yet he somehow already knows I’m American.  He then thinks it’s appropriate to switch to English. Ha! Don’t think so buddy!!!! Continue in Hebrew, I say.  After an exchange of about 7-10 sentences, he’ll ask for my number.  I assess if he is generally decent and doesn’t have the  propensity to stalk.  If all seems good, I give him my number and schedule a time to meet within 48 hours.  This is Phase 1.

Phase 2: we meet a cafe close by to my house because I’m lazy, it’s hot, and I can’t be bothered to leave the center. The introductory stuff goes over smoothly because it’s been rehearsed countless times.  But then…soon enough I learn crazy words like “hardware engineer” and “platoon”!!!!! I typically understand 60% of what he’s saying, and he’ll NOT understand me by 70%. The “date” lasts for a little under two hours, which by then I’m exhausted and restless from speaking in a foreign language.  On the way back home, he’s counting his chances of scoring an American, and I’m counting the 130 sheks I’ve just saved on a private Hebrew lesson!

14 thoughts on “Hebrew Gold Digger

  1. This is a brilliant scheme! I may adopt this language gold digger plan to improve my Español while studying abroad in Madrid 😉

    • The if lesson is good and the guy is manageable, we’ll go for lesson #2, but THAT’S IT!!! Anything after lesson #2 indicates that I actually like the guy, and I drop the gold digging (for Hebrew, that is ;))

  2. הי,

    מסתבר שאתמול התפספס השיעור בעברית
    איך נתת לזה לקרות?

    איזה פוסט הצעת לי לקרוא אתמול?

    יש מצב להזמין אותך לכוס יין בטאפס בתחנה הישנה?
    אחרי הכל, זה אחד המקומות היחידים בעיר שאת עדיין לא מכירה…

    מבחינתי אני מתחייב על עברית,
    ואבא, אל תדאג, אני בחור הגון


    English translation of the above: Will you date with me?
    p.s. Daddy – be sure – I’m a decent man 🙂

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