Hebrew has recently risen as a top priority. But with one stipulation: I don’t spend any money on the study of Hebrew, or any other studies for that matter. Enough! I’ve already spent thousands of dollars between Hebrew, GRE’s, and GMAT’s, and I haven’t actually produced the tachlas (bottom line). In fact, I am not even renewing my gym membership for a whopping 350 NIS ($110) per month because, tachlas, I can run along our amazing Mediterranean. And since I will always care more about my physique than Hebrew, if the gym goes, so do the expenses around my revived language ambitions.
This is precisely why I’ve adopted a new strategy called “Hebrew Dating.” Here’s how it works: a guy strikes up a conversation (in Hebrew obviously) at the laundry mat, shuk, or most recently, the beach. I listen carefully to not miss the pick-up line, which will be my cue to giggle or something. I respond in my best Hebrew, yet he somehow already knows I’m American. He then thinks it’s appropriate to switch to English. Ha! Don’t think so buddy!!!! Continue in Hebrew, I say. After an exchange of about 7-10 sentences, he’ll ask for my number. I assess if he is generally decent and doesn’t have the propensity to stalk. If all seems good, I give him my number and schedule a time to meet within 48 hours. This is Phase 1.
Phase 2: we meet a cafe close by to my house because I’m lazy, it’s hot, and I can’t be bothered to leave the center. The introductory stuff goes over smoothly because it’s been rehearsed countless times. But then…soon enough I learn crazy words like “hardware engineer” and “platoon”!!!!! I typically understand 60% of what he’s saying, and he’ll NOT understand me by 70%. The “date” lasts for a little under two hours, which by then I’m exhausted and restless from speaking in a foreign language. On the way back home, he’s counting his chances of scoring an American, and I’m counting the 130 sheks I’ve just saved on a private Hebrew lesson!