Tel Aviv is an island without a car, and despite the beach, beautiful people, and no shortage of opportunities to remain high from the fun, I’ve been desperate to escape this month.  Thank g-d I had a business trip scheduled to Cologne and a much awaited vacation with my mother to Prague and Salzburg, from which I’ve just returned.

Europe’s cool air, surplus of pork and shellfish, and a much better line at Zara are always refreshing.  But, I’ve been to enough major European cities to honestly say that they are all beginning to blend into one central square, a gothic church, and the narrow commercial avenue of Cartier, Mango, and Starbucks.

So, what the hell, I worked that avenue real good! My mom and I bought matching Swarovksi rings, brought home a Disigual peacoat, and sucked up the 20% sales tax at an H&M in Salzburg.  After all, you can’t beat quality time with mama over a shopping spree!

But not to worry, my Russian genes wouldn’t neglect European history entirely.  In Prague, we did stroll along government buildings, castles, and fortresses.   But even high-drama stories of royal incest and scandal couldn’t keep me focused: all around me I saw Czechs kissing, rubbing, touching…all over the city.  Their scandalous roots persist! I witnessed hands, tongues, and swaying hips in all directions.  Could Czech Republic be the hot stray nation of cold Eastern Europe??  Czechs had me wondering.  Czechs had me salivating…

Salzburg, on the other hand, I found completely uninspiring.  But that’s all right because so did Mozart, which is why he moved to Vienna.  He also made frequent visits to his lover in none than Prague!!  The only feeling I left with from Salzburg was that I’ll need to seriously repent next week on Yom Kippur: Rosh Hashanah was greeted with a salami pork sandwich in the morning and a church visit at the Residenz square in the afternoon.  Hey now, my alternative option was to visit Hitler’s summer villa in the country side!  Um, yeah…

Israel, you can be suffocating and a serious pain in the ass, but I’ve missed you.  It’s nice that Europe is around the corner to us, but ain’t nothing like coming home to our beloved balagan, sunshine, and some fresh Jewey food!!